Grief is supposed to move.
Not quickly. Not neatly. Not in a straight line. But over time, most people find a way to carry their loss — to hold it alongside everything else in their lives and gradually, painfully, begin to adapt to a world in which the person they loved is no longer there.
But sometimes grief doesn’t move. It stays raw. It stays right there — as immediate and overwhelming as it was in the first days and weeks. Months pass. Sometimes years. And the loss still feels like it’s happening now.
That’s not weakness. It’s not doing grief wrong. It’s a sign that something got stuck. And EMDR for grief is one of the most effective ways to help it move.
What grief actually is
Grief isn’t just sadness. It’s a whole-person response to loss.
It affects your emotions, your body, your sleep, your concentration, your relationships, and your sense of who you are. It can bring up feelings that seem contradictory — love and anger, relief and guilt, profound longing and a terrifying numbness. Sometimes all of them at once.
None of that is wrong. All of it is grief.
Most of the time, the grieving process unfolds naturally — painful, but moving. The sharpest edges gradually soften. Positive memories of the person become more accessible. The ability to engage with daily life slowly returns. Not because the loss has been forgotten, but because it’s been absorbed.
When that process gets disrupted — when grief becomes stuck rather than moving — something different is needed.
When grief gets stuck — what’s actually happening
There’s a particular kind of grief that doesn’t follow that path.
Some people find themselves trapped in the worst moments — the moment they got the news, the hospital room, the funeral, the last thing that was said. Those memories don’t settle. They intrude. They replay. They crowd out everything else, including the good memories — the warmth, the love, the full reality of the relationship with the person who died.
Prolonged grief disorder occurs in around 7 to 10% of bereaved people and is a more complicated and persistent form of grief associated with significant mental health difficulties, sleep disturbance, and problems with work and social functioning.
Some situations make complicated grief more likely. Sudden or unexpected loss. Traumatic circumstances — an accident, a suicide, a violent death. Loss where there was unresolved conflict with the person who died. The loss of a child. Situations where the bereaved person feels responsible or guilty. And previous losses that were never fully processed — a new bereavement that re-opens older wounds.
In all of these situations, EMDR for grief has something specific and valuable to offer.
How EMDR for grief works
EMDR for grief works in the same way as EMDR for any other presentation — by helping the brain process what was too overwhelming to integrate at the time.
When a loss is sudden, shocking, or traumatic, the memories associated with it can get stored in the same fragmented, unprocessed way as traumatic memories. The moment of learning the news. The scene at the hospital. The last interaction. These memories carry enormous emotional charge. They intrude. They’re triggered by seemingly unrelated things. And they make it almost impossible to access the broader landscape of the relationship — the love, the warmth, the full complexity of who the person was.
EMDR for grief targets those specific memories. As they’re processed and their emotional charge reduces, something important often happens. The traumatic images lose their grip. And in the space that creates, something else emerges — positive memories that had been buried under the worst moments begin to surface again.
Processing the trauma of the loss — initially focusing on the moment of traumatic impact or realisation — enables adaptive information to link in, which often includes heartfelt memories and meaningful moments.
The goal isn’t to stop grieving. It’s to allow grief to move — to shift from being frozen in the worst moments to being able to hold the full complexity of what was lost.
What EMDR for grief doesn’t do
This comes up a lot. And it’s worth being direct about.
EMDR for grief doesn’t erase the person. It doesn’t take away the love. It doesn’t rush or shortcut the grieving process. And it doesn’t require you to talk through every detail of what happened.
A lot of people are afraid that processing their grief will somehow diminish their connection to the person they lost — as though the pain is the last thing holding them close. That fear is understandable. It’s also, consistently, not what happens.
EMDR therapy will not take away anything the client needs, or that is true. EMDR often results in meaningful memories that give the client a positive sense of connection.
As the traumatic dimensions of the loss are processed, what often emerges isn’t just less pain. It’s a warmer, more integrated connection — the relationship with the person held as something real and valued, rather than as an open wound.
Who EMDR for grief helps most
EMDR for grief works across a wide range of bereavement presentations. Here are the most common.
Traumatic bereavement. Loss through sudden death, accident, violence, suicide, or unexpected illness. The circumstances of the death become entangled with the grief itself — making it very hard to access the loss without immediately being flooded by the trauma. EMDR for grief is particularly effective here.
Grief that hasn’t moved. Prolonged grief — where the loss happened a significant time ago and the pain is still as raw as it was at the start. Something has got stuck and needs help to move.
Grief with guilt or self-blame. “I should have been there.” “I should have done more.” “It was my fault.” These beliefs are common in bereavement and can prevent healthy grieving entirely. EMDR processes the experiences that created them.
Grief that re-activates earlier losses. A new bereavement can trigger grief from earlier losses that was never fully processed. EMDR for grief can work across that whole landscape — not just the most recent loss.
Grief after a complicated relationship. Sometimes the person who died was someone with whom there was unresolved conflict, abuse, or deep ambivalence. Grief in these situations is particularly complex. EMDR helps process the full range of feelings — including the ones that feel too difficult or shameful to name.
Anticipatory grief. Grief experienced before a loss — when someone is dying and you’re already grieving. EMDR can help process the fear, helplessness, and anticipated loss that makes this period so painful.
What EMDR for grief looks like in practice
The preparation phases of EMDR are particularly important in grief work.
Grief is already destabilising. The nervous system is often fragile. So before any processing of the loss itself begins, the work starts with building stability and resources. Grounding techniques, safe place work, coping strategies — developed slowly and carefully. That’s not a delay. It’s the foundation that makes the processing safe.
When processing begins, it typically works across three areas. First — the most painful and traumatic memories directly connected to the loss. Second — the present-day triggers that keep the grief activated. Third — the future — helping you begin to imagine and relate to a life that still holds the person who died in a meaningful way, while also being able to move forward.
The post on what happens in an EMDR session gives a clear walkthrough of what that process looks like in practice. And the post on the eight phases of EMDR therapy explains the full structure of the work.
EMDR for grief within an integrative approach
Grief work requires particular care. More than almost anything else, it needs genuine warmth — the sense of being truly held, heard, and not rushed.
That relational foundation comes from the person-centred work that underpins everything I do. It creates the safety within which EMDR processing can happen. Alongside that, psychodynamic thinking helps understand how earlier losses and attachment patterns are shaping the current grief response — because grief is rarely only about this loss. It’s often connected to older ones too.
EMDR then does the specific processing work that allows what is stuck to move.
The post on how EMDR and integrative therapy work together explains more about how these approaches combine in practice.
Grief doesn’t have to stay frozen
Loss changes you. There’s no therapy that takes that away. None that should.
But grief that’s frozen — that keeps you trapped in the worst moments, that prevents you from accessing the full reality of what you had and what you lost — that’s not a tribute to the person who died. It’s a sign that something needs help to move.
EMDR for grief offers that help. It doesn’t rush the process or shortcut the pain. It allows the natural process of grief — which was disrupted — to resume. And as it does, what often emerges isn’t just less pain. It’s a different relationship with the loss. One that carries the person forward, rather than trapping them in place.
If you’d like to understand whether EMDR for grief might be right for you, this post on whether EMDR is a good fit is worth reading first. And the hub post on what EMDR therapy is gives a full overview of the approach.
For further information and support on bereavement, Cruse Bereavement Support is the UK’s leading charity for people who have experienced loss.
I work online with individuals across the UK and internationally. Sessions are 60 to 90 minutes. I offer a free initial consultation — no pressure, no commitment.
[Book your free consultation here] — online sessions available worldwide
Gareth Taylor is a Professional Accredited Member of the NCPS (PNCPS Acc.) and a qualified counselling supervisor. He is an EMDR-trained therapist working online with individuals across the UK and internationally, supporting people with trauma, PTSD, anxiety, depression, grief, low self-worth, and a wide range of other presentations.
